It's funny how many things lately have been pushing me to examine myself and think about my motives in life. I find myself in a new chapter of my life even though we haven't moved, changed jobs, changed churches or really changed much of anything. It all centers around the affect that where we are is having upon me. Looking at the next several months to a year I will be completing seminary (at least I think so). After that we really have no clear idea what will be next. Will we stay? Will we go? If so what will we be doing and where? This move to Texas and Seminary has certainly not been without plans and without a sense that we would be changing, but it has yielded change differently than I thought it would.
It's interesting that I find myself more at peace and happier than I have ever been without a lot of my own effort. I also find myself more open and honest with life and what I'm involved in. It's certainly not all roses and smiles, but I feel it changing me in a lot of ways.
I'm discovering that something that He is doing is pointing out my problem with my ego. I really didn't see that one coming. I have felt that I've been a pretty easy person to get along with and often a very good follower and sometimes a good leader. It has been shocking to me to see as I am entering this new chapter that I am recognizing something that I have struggled with but never could completely understand which is the struggle of being a doer without the burden of being egotistical. It is so easy for me to either be at the bottom of the pile or seemingly important for me be at the top of the pile (of my perception of an egotistical success), standing on top and somewhat feeling in charge and successful not only at work, but at church or really in life in general. Being in the middle has always been the hard part. Standing with a group of people and failing or succeeding together to has almost been impossible. I either have always had to be the reason for the success or the reason for the failure in order to feel that I was the one in control of my life. What an ego!! It has always seemed that this ego is required to live.
But this new chapter is revealing to me that my ego is pride and that even when this ego "humbles" me that it's really about the feelings that I have about me and not others. To allow such ego God would be letting me have success and failure without Him. I have realized that I cannot move forward in life to the next chapter fully until my ego is dealt with fully.
So today I continue to place my ego in God's hands which means I place my existence in His charge. In trying to be like Jesus I finally have to say "Not my will but thy will be done, God."