Wednesday, August 03, 2005


I think I look at life in terms of how well it's going in relation to whether I have people on my back. In our" survival of the fittest" world, from my perspective, it seems that everything is guided by testosterone(T). My T pushes me to work hard, another guy's T pushes him to find problems with what I'm doing and try to push himself to the top of the pile. It seems that a lot - I mean a lot - of guys seem to want to be on top - to be the go-to-guy, the man with all the answers, the guy who is never wrong. But that is such an allusion. I hate being wrong and caught at it! We can't seem to feel good enough about ourselves in our own skin to just do our job well and just be who we are. I worry that it's just me, that I'm projecting what I may be feeling onto everyone else, but then I also see other guys pushing - pushing themselves up and lots of times others down. I'm really having a struggle with this and I think God is working in a way in my life concerning this at a level that I haven't seen before.

I was talking to my friend Josh about this recently and he said, "We really we should be about pushing others to the top, don't you think?" He's right, but man I hate that. My flesh says "yeah pushem down". I really hate that. The two commandments that Jesus gave and the great commission say Love God first with all our heart, love others as ourselves, and go and teach preach and share the gospel. I suck at all three of them, and that's what Jesus spent most of his time here talking about. But its hard when everyone else is making you look and feel stupid.

It does go back to how we feel in our own skin. We do live by man's standards - what we do, whether we're on top, how much do we make, what we have, how "successful" we are. And I tell myself that it has to be this way. I have to fight the battle because if I don't I'll get stepped on and I won't be able to even provide for my family. I keep hearing myself think that if I don't push to the top and be on top then I won't succeed which in turn will have financial repercussions. I seem to be right and wrong at the same time.

I read Waking the Dead (John Eldredge) a few weeks ago and Eldredge says that we have lost our heart, we have believed so many lies that the enemy has told us. He speaks thro the flesh to us and attempts to destroy our hearts which have been redeemed and cleansed. Our hearts are the dwelling place of God. All of this I know is right, but I seem to keep losing this somehow. I keep living and feeling the same way and somehow God doesn't seem able to heal and work. I know it's not Him, but sometimes I blame him.

If we could just do that - get our hearts back. My friend Gary reminded me Sunday that we just don't live by what God wants for us - to trust him and quit trying to beat everyone around us. Co-operate with God in a way that he has said he wants for us. To seek Him and then have "all these things " added to us. (Luke 12:31)

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